Climbing the Watchtower

So today is Christmas Eve, and I have never felt so "un-Christmas." It has been a difficult 15-ish months leading up to this point: I've lost family and friends (both in the physical and relational sense), my pregnancy and delivery with my son was pretty hard on my body, I've been falsely accused of all kinds of things (to the point that some dear ones have heard what I supposedly said/did and have decided they don't want to see me anymore), and even some of my good qualities have come under attack. Our world was rearranged when our little girl was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I've also had too many unsavory "wife/step-mom/mommy moments" to count and struggled over some serious "behind the scenes" issues in my heart and mind. Not to mention all of the pain and heartache of others around me that I have felt deeply for and with them, too. It has all taken quite a toll mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have not been myself.

As I've wrestled and raged and cried and battled confusion, hurt, and indifference, God has reminded me what Christmas is in the first place: Jesus entering our mess. He didn't come with a light show, blaring music, and a smoke machine. He didn't enter with the sound of sleigh bells and giggling children. This God-Man came into the world, after hundreds of years of SILENCE between God and His people, through the struggle, pain, fear, and yuck of natural childbirth in a shitty stable. There were no happy hospital photos as Mary breathed, concentrated, and readied herself for delivery. There wasn't a sweet doctor or midwife cheering Mary on with a quiet strength to "keep going...keep breathing...keep pushing." Relatives weren't excitedly gathered in a waiting room to rush in and congratulate this young couple on the birth of their son. It was an epic struggle for this young momma to push this boy out (all of heaven wanted this baby born and Satan DID NOT). It was hard. It was scary. It was most definitely messy. 

So much of what I have gone through and watched others go through has been hard, scary, messy. We all have our burdens we bear and fights we must face each and every day. It can seem ridiculous to sing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," or "Joy to the World" when what we are facing is anything but wonderful or joyful. But I must remind myself of what JOY we truly speak of: JESUS. Jesus came into our MESS. MY MESS. And when I think of Him coming as a tiny helpless little human, I think of what my natural response is to meeting a tiny human for the first time: I am quieted and stilled and hushed, and everything about me becomes gentle and peaceful. There is just something about new life that changes you. And that tiny new life came to GIVE US new life in the midst of the frightening and painful and untrue. 

As I read my little one's Advent book one night I came to a passage that stopped me in my tracks. It spoke to the very core of where I am right now and encouraged me. 

Habakkuk 2:1; 3:17-19

I will climb up to my watchtower

and stand at my guardpost.

There I will wait to see what the Lord says

and how He will answer my complaint...

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,

and there are no grapes on the vines;

even though the olive crop fails,

and the fields lie empty and barren;

even though the flocks die in the fields,

and the cattle barns are empty,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord!

I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!

He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

able to tread upon the heights."

So while I am walking through what feels like a barren wasteland of struggle and conflict with no sight of "fruit," I will rejoice IN THE LORD, and I will climb my watchtower, look ahead, and wait to see what He does with all of this. This Christmas may not be as jolly as others, but it is still meaningful and hopeful. I can still hug those close to me and be thankful for what I have, hoping and praying for restoration for the rest of it. 

*And I do hope this all makes sense....it is difficult to type coherent thoughts on little sleep with little ones screaming and asking questions and not letting my thoughts finish their ride all the way down the train of thought route....::sigh::......