Back to School

      Ah, here we are yet again...on the precipice of another school year. So many have already begun their journey into the next grade and next phase of life, while others anxiously await (or dread) the start of their own. So many kids wondering how they'll navigate a new grade or new school all together. I remember those feelings all too well. I've been thinking about those days for a while now, and I've had so many things I wish I could go back and say to myself. I have been listening to the song "Dear Younger Me" by MercyMe a lot (cue ALL THE BIG FEELS AND WEEPIES: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoO0kyPRu3M). Tonight is also Back to School night at youth group, and a big part of the evening will be giving advice. I think a couple of things I would say to myself are also what I would say to kids now.

      * You are more brave than you probably give yourself credit for. I know I was terrified through so many years of school. "Am I attractive enough? Will I ever be thin enough? What if I look stupid trying that? What if I give the wrong answer and they laugh? What if I fail?" But you still TRIED so many things. You didn't realize then just how brave you are. You played sports even when you had to wear a homemade basketball uniform because the new uniforms hadn't arrived, and there wasn't an old one big enough. You went on trips around the world with people you barely knew in the midst of serious social anxiety over meeting new people and struggling with small talk. You, too, dear ones, are probably more brave than you realize right now.

      * You are more beautiful than you know. I look back at pictures of myself having fun with my family and friends or serving with youth groups, and where I used to be embarrassed by the chubby kid in the photo, I now feel protective of her. I wasn't perfect then by any means, but I can see a beauty shine through that cute round face where I used to see shame. You love your family and friends. You have a contagious laugh! You are talented and smart and funny. And you are BEAUTIFUL because God KNIT YOU TOGETHER. You, too, dear ones, have a built-in beauty simply by being part of God's GOOD creation.

      Also, some advice: everyone is trying to figure out where they fit, where they can belong, what they're good at, and how to be loved. BE. KIND. Look out for the little guy, the outsider. SO MUCH of our actions hinge on wanting so desperately to be loved and to feel accepted. Help each other to feel loved and be accepted. You can discover a great deal about yourself and where you fit by HELPING OTHERS. And if we all help those around us, we each get helped in the process, too!

      Work hard...Whether it seems like it or not, your actions as a student now can affect you the rest of your life. Work hard. Study hard. Take that work ethic into everything else you do....

      ...including playing. PLAY HARD. Have FUN, for crying out loud! Don't let any of your fears or anxieties or something stupid someone said keep you from pursuing fun (wholesome) things that make you HAPPY! God invented fun. Have some! Try new things.

      God built into you certain gifts and abilities that He wants to use in your life...for your good, for His glory, and to impact the world around you. God put you here for a reason. He has plans for you and those talents...the world may NEED what YOU have to offer. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU MATTER.

      If for some reason there are people who simply cannot understand that you should be treated with kindness and respect and continue to make your life terrible, DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. There are people around you who love you and care about you and want to help you. Speak up!

       Go into the school year with a humble confidence in who you are as God's handiwork. There is *so much more* I could say, but I will end with a brief re-cap of what I just said in case someone wasn't paying attention: Be kind. Work hard. Play hard. You have talents and abilities GOD GAVE YOU FOR A REASON. Ask for help when you need it. And last, but not least, you are part of God's amazing creation, bear HIS IMAGE, and YOU MATTER. God loves you more than you could EVER imagine, just the way you are.
     

     

Climbing the Watchtower

So today is Christmas Eve, and I have never felt so "un-Christmas." It has been a difficult 15-ish months leading up to this point: I've lost family and friends (both in the physical and relational sense), my pregnancy and delivery with my son was pretty hard on my body, I've been falsely accused of all kinds of things (to the point that some dear ones have heard what I supposedly said/did and have decided they don't want to see me anymore), and even some of my good qualities have come under attack. Our world was rearranged when our little girl was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I've also had too many unsavory "wife/step-mom/mommy moments" to count and struggled over some serious "behind the scenes" issues in my heart and mind. Not to mention all of the pain and heartache of others around me that I have felt deeply for and with them, too. It has all taken quite a toll mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have not been myself.

As I've wrestled and raged and cried and battled confusion, hurt, and indifference, God has reminded me what Christmas is in the first place: Jesus entering our mess. He didn't come with a light show, blaring music, and a smoke machine. He didn't enter with the sound of sleigh bells and giggling children. This God-Man came into the world, after hundreds of years of SILENCE between God and His people, through the struggle, pain, fear, and yuck of natural childbirth in a shitty stable. There were no happy hospital photos as Mary breathed, concentrated, and readied herself for delivery. There wasn't a sweet doctor or midwife cheering Mary on with a quiet strength to "keep going...keep breathing...keep pushing." Relatives weren't excitedly gathered in a waiting room to rush in and congratulate this young couple on the birth of their son. It was an epic struggle for this young momma to push this boy out (all of heaven wanted this baby born and Satan DID NOT). It was hard. It was scary. It was most definitely messy. 

So much of what I have gone through and watched others go through has been hard, scary, messy. We all have our burdens we bear and fights we must face each and every day. It can seem ridiculous to sing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," or "Joy to the World" when what we are facing is anything but wonderful or joyful. But I must remind myself of what JOY we truly speak of: JESUS. Jesus came into our MESS. MY MESS. And when I think of Him coming as a tiny helpless little human, I think of what my natural response is to meeting a tiny human for the first time: I am quieted and stilled and hushed, and everything about me becomes gentle and peaceful. There is just something about new life that changes you. And that tiny new life came to GIVE US new life in the midst of the frightening and painful and untrue. 

As I read my little one's Advent book one night I came to a passage that stopped me in my tracks. It spoke to the very core of where I am right now and encouraged me. 

Habakkuk 2:1; 3:17-19

I will climb up to my watchtower

and stand at my guardpost.

There I will wait to see what the Lord says

and how He will answer my complaint...

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,

and there are no grapes on the vines;

even though the olive crop fails,

and the fields lie empty and barren;

even though the flocks die in the fields,

and the cattle barns are empty,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord!

I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!

He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

able to tread upon the heights."

So while I am walking through what feels like a barren wasteland of struggle and conflict with no sight of "fruit," I will rejoice IN THE LORD, and I will climb my watchtower, look ahead, and wait to see what He does with all of this. This Christmas may not be as jolly as others, but it is still meaningful and hopeful. I can still hug those close to me and be thankful for what I have, hoping and praying for restoration for the rest of it. 

*And I do hope this all makes sense....it is difficult to type coherent thoughts on little sleep with little ones screaming and asking questions and not letting my thoughts finish their ride all the way down the train of thought route....::sigh::......

Girls These Days

Since becoming a mom and step mom, I have become even more aware of the messages that our society sends to females about what it means to be an attractive, successful woman. So much of what we see is half-naked women with, for the average woman, unattainably svelt and busty figures with too-perfect airbrushed skin and perfectly coiffed hair (which took much longer to do than I’d have time for in a normal day). There is entirely too much emphasis on sexuality in our culture, and quite frankly it infuriates me. I am presented with an unachievable goal and my husband is presented with a much more attractive figure than mine to gaze at. Fair? Hardly. Should I be surprised? No.

BUT…then the question arises: “Since there is little I can do to change the sexualization of our entire culture, how should I handle things with my girls and their friends?”

I’ve been thinking about what I would tell young girls today about their bodies, their minds, their souls, their purpose, their VALUE. I’ve said it so many times, but I will say it again: we were made for so much more than “sexy” and skinny. Men were made for so much more than perpetuating this image of the perfect girl, as well. I might write another blog on the guys’ side of things, too, but for now I want to focus on the ladies.

Girls, women, you are BEAUTIFUL the way God made you. The world may not see it or want to see it, but you ARE. And there is a deeper beauty from far within that can shine brighter than all of Hollywood’s starlets if we live as God intended. We may or may not be “hot” from society’s perspective, but God has formed us and knit us just the way He saw fit. He made us to be kind, strong, modest, brave, meek (not to be confused with weak), loving, compassionate, fun, cheerful…. Did you know that two of a girls’ greatest accessories are her smile and laughter? Guys worth having will look past the physical and see your joy and good character and will do whatever they must to get you and keep you. Don’t let some mostly nude tart or wildly fashionable beauty queen steal your smile and your joy just because you don’t look like she does. God meant for us to be “clothed with strength and dignity” (Proverbs 31:25). He said that “charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be PRAISED” (Proverbs 31:30).

One of the other most attractive things about a girl is confidence…not to be confused with arrogance or pride. As we see ourselves more and more as God sees us we will become more and more confident in our identity in Him. We can rest in the fact that GOD looks at our hearts, even though man may judge us by what’s on the outside. We must let our beauty from within shine through as we live as God asks us to live. There is great beauty in being merciful, in helping others in need, in forgiving those who hurt us, in standing up for those who cannot defend themselves. Our beauty is not in the latest styles and trends (although I won’t deny it is fun to play dress up!). Our beauty is not in the newest make-up tips and tricks, and our beauty is not in how much skin we can show off while still hiding the "goodies." All of that changes and fades. It is within our character that our true beauty shines, and we are valuable because GOD values us.

Have you ever seen a remarkably beautiful girl do something incredibly mean and hateful or flat-out inappropriate? She suddenly seems ugly in a way, right? The Bible says, “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion”  (Proverbs 11:22).  I’ll just let that one sink in…

There is so much more I could sit and type out…and I would LOVE to sit down with any struggling young lady and tell her all that she needs to hear. I try to tell my girls something like this every day in our conversations, and I really try to be a good example in how I live and struggle with my own beauty and value in our world today. It’s a tough thing sometimes, girls, but let’s help each other instead of hurting each other. Stay active, eat well, take care of yourself, but don't be obsessed with whether you're "fat" or not. Let your beauty shine through in your character and remember that true beauty goes much deeper than clothes and skin. 


P.S. When it comes to those half-naked "tarts" I may have sounded harsh. I would sit down with them and love them and tell them the exact same things I've said in this entry. They were made for more than showing off their bodies, God loves them, values them, and He has a specific and good purpose for them, too! I just used that description for emphasis.   :)

The Long-Awaited, Greatly Anticipated....

I awoke early on September 18, 2012 just like so many other mornings before. The only difference that morning: I was ready to meet my baby girl. I LOVED being pregnant, but she was sitting so low and putting so much pressure on my gut that I had to have the "This is your eviction notice, kiddo. Time to come and say hello," talk with my belly.

I rolled out of bed, still sleepy from the busy day at the Puyallup fair the day before, and got dressed and ready to head out to another prenatal check-up. At my previous visit, the midwife told me that if I was still experiencing contractions by the 18th that she would check to see if I was dilated and that she would do some things to help move labor along. I was ecstatic.

At approximately 9:15 am on September 18, while the midwife was checking me and "helping things along," I felt a little pop and a rush of water. We both gasped and looked at each other wide-eyed. We both started laughing as she said, "Oh my gosh, I just broke your water! Those are hard to break, so she must be READY! Looks like you're having a baby today, kid!"

I went home to gather up the rest of what I'd need at the birth center and to walk, etc, to get the contractions going before I checked in. I sent my husband a message that he should probably head home soon (he works an hour away), and I sent out a few "My water broke...be praying!" messages to some friends and family. I couldn't believe this was it!

We checked into the birth center around 3:00 pm, got settled into my room and went to the cafeteria for some food. As we walked around the hospital I could tell my contractions were getting stronger. By around 4:30 pm I could tell things were really getting going. After that, time lost all meaning to me as I focused on trying to relax through each contraction and let my body do what it was designed to do (when they tell you in the Bradley Method book to practice relaxation as if your life depended on it, they're not kidding. It is very challenging to relax when your body is working so intensely).

At one point, after some pretty hard contractions, the midwife checked and I was still only at 4 cm. She didn't want to break the news, but she knew she had to tell me and encouraged me to try laboring in different positions. We had to get the baby in prime position and let the contractions build as needed. I was pretty disappointed to hear I was still at 4, but I knew I had to do what I could to keep things moving forward. After only an hour of laboring in new positions I had progressed to 7.

Eventually I had strong urges to push during the contractions and things had finally gotten to a point where it was ok to push, and it actually felt better to push than not to.  Then instead of relaxing, it was time to work hard WITH my body and meet my baby! I never thought I could push so hard, but just when I thought I couldn't, the midwife would say, "Harder!" and I'd push even harder. The midwife and my coach rather excitedly told me, "We can see about a 50 cent piece-sized part of her head!"

After so much hard pushing all I could say to that was, "That's IT??" I wasn't sure how much longer I could work at that pace, but I knew the only way she was coming out naturally was for me to push. I could rest later. With each new contraction I pushed until I felt like I couldn't push anymore, and then pushed again. Before I knew it (at 12:12 am on Sept 19), I was pulling my sweet baby onto my skin. She was here. I'd waited a lot longer than nine months for that, and it was every bit as sweet and beautiful as I'd imagined.

I still look at her in disbelief. I cannot believe I am finally a mommy, and that I actually pushed such a gorgeous creature out of my body after having such fun carrying her in my tummy for nine months. I know she'll be big before I'm ready, but boy am I trying to enjoy every little bit of her along the way. I am so thankful for this tiny person that is such a huge answer to prayer.

Our Story

Ok, so this has been a long time coming, but here it is. Many have asked how Jim and I met, and it's a bit of a different story....but here it is at last:

Jim was a baseball coach for my nephew's team not too long ago. I knew who he was and had heard he was a nice guy, but we'd never really spoken to each other except for maybe a "Hey, how are ya," or two. He was married, so I never "saw him that way."

The only reason I started to hear more about him or to see him more often was because he had come to my brother and sister in law for help. His marriage was in trouble, and he wanted to know what to do to try to save it. I felt really bad for him and his family and prayed often for restoration between his wife and him. As much as he tried, she said it was too late to change things, and she filed for divorce. I heard from others little bits and pieces of the story, and even a couple of people said, "Julie, he'll be single soon..." I didn't want to go there. It wasn't right. He was still married. I went to great lengths to not even be around him if I could help it. I didn't want to be a temptation or distraction. I also didn't want to put myself in a position to fall for a married man.

He would show up often at my brother's house, seeking advice and comfort, and the more we were around each other, the more we noticed things we liked in each other. We both recognized what was happening, so we decided it would be best for us to not be around each other or communicate AT ALL until all was said and done. We wanted to leave room for her to change her mind and be reconciled and to honor what was left of the marriage even though she'd already filed for divorce. There were times she'd even tell him to go out with someone else, and he would always say, "No, we're still married, and you could still change your mind and stay so we could work this out." She'd refuse.

Eventually, as things came to a close, he realized she was just ready to be done being married to him. Her mind was made up. The divorce was finalized, and we began to see each other. As we talked we were open and honest about all sorts of topics. We were both old enough to know what we wanted, what our deal-breakers were, and we didn't want to play any games. We'd both been hurt by past relationships and wanted someone to be completely open and honest with us....so we talked about EVERYTHING we could think of. Some of the questions were awkward or seemed silly, but we wanted to know what we were getting into....as much as you can know before you're actually married and living together. :)

Obviously it didn't take long for us to realize that we were what the other was looking for. We had friends and family offering advice and praying for wisdom and discernment as we thought through everything. One of our biggest concerns was how the kids would take it. They knew me a little, and liked me...but would they still feel that way if I was dad's new girlfriend? They would ask if I was coming over. They'd be bummed when I'd have to leave. At one point Holly asked Jim, "Dad, Julie's here all the time anyway...why doesn't she just move in?" He explained that we were waiting for certain things for marriage, and she responded with, "Well then why don't you marry her?"

It was actually the kids' idea for the three of them to propose to me. So one night while we were watching tv they all three surrounded me, each on one knee and asked, "Julie, will you marry us?" The rest is history! Now we're all getting used to new routines and new people to wake up to, but it's great. I love my new family.

So there's our story. It might not be what some would have imagined, but God has strange ways of bringing people together sometimes. We did what we could to leave room for their marriage to be restored, but ultimately she just wanted out. Now Jim and I are enjoying our new family and before too long will start trying to add to it. I'm excited for what God has in store!

"But I want an Oompa Loompa NOW, daddy!!!"

I am not good at waiting. Anyone who has known me for any amount of time has probably picked up on this to some degree. There are certain things I pray for and hope for that are not within my power to control, and I am not good at waiting patiently for them. However, I have been through enough to know that God is a Good Dad, and I trust Him. I know that He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know that I have never seen, heard, or imagined ANYTHING like what He has for me since I love Him. I also recognize that anything/anyone worth having is worth waiting for. And yet when something so wonderful is right in front of me that I know I want and would be a good thing, I turn into Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: “Don’t care how, I want it NOW!”

But God, being the amazing Father that He is, knows best. Everything happens the way it does for a reason, and He is using all of this for good. I don’t know exactly what the future holds for the rest of my life, but I know that God holds my future; that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. He wants to give me good gifts in HIS TIMING. This difficult time of waiting is from Him, and I want to use the time wisely and productively. I also want to stay teachable and not simply wish the time away impatiently, but to learn the lessons God has before me in this time. He has big things to do during this wait, and I don’t want to get in the way of those being accomplished.

There will be difficulties in this season, no doubt, but I cling to Romans 5: 3-5 “…we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

So, life is hard, I’m impatient, but GOD IS GOOD, and I will trust Him. I only ask that in His mercy I would not be aware of every second ticking by as I wait. :)

House of Mourning

Ecclesiatstes 7:2- 4 “It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.”

            I have the marvelous blessing of working in a “house of mourning.” I deal with the dying on a day- to- day basis, and I am learning a great deal from it. For those who may not know, I work at an adult boarding home for people with some form of dementia. Most of those who live in the facility have come there for good… to live there till they die. The residents run the spectrum of severity in their dementia. Some are still quite independent and functional whereas many can no longer feed, clothe, bathe or transport themselves. I am constantly reminded of how fleeting life is and how quickly our talents and abilities and intelligence can be lost.  I have tremendous joys, tremendous challenges, and tremendous sorrows working with the residents. Some of them I have come to be quite close to and do not like the idea that one morning I may come to wake them up, and they will not respond…but that is reality.

            I used to avoid thinking about death, but now I have come to see the importance of remembering that death is every man’s destiny. It makes me want to make everything count: every word, every action, every smile and facial expression. I have to be mindful of this with the residents because they will mirror your emotions. If I come across as stressed and harried, they will feel anxious and stressed, too. If I mirror joy and peace, they are much more likely to respond well to me. I want the things that I do in my life to have a positive affect on those around me.  Being constantly reminded of the frailty of life has propelled me to make those last days as peaceful and enjoyable as possible for the residents, too. It’s not always easy, but Christ’s love and words concerning “caring for the least of these” compels me.

            Any of you who have never worked with the dying, I would encourage you to do so. Volunteer at a nursing home, memory care facility, hospital, etc. Get to know some of the people and their stories. Be reminded of how quickly life can change and how transient our day to day existence really is. Let it bring you to a place where you can hold all you’ve been given in an open hand before God, for He gives and He takes away. Let it compel you to seize the moments you have now to bring Light into the world, to enjoy hard work while you can work, to cultivate meaningful relationships while you are still capable, so that when your own days are over, you can confidently let death usher you into God’s presence. Death is not what God wanted for us and is a result of sin entering the world, but, just like anything else that’s negative in this life, God can use it for our good and His glory. Let Him be glorified in my life AND my death, and may I not forget that life is but a vapor.